...I know you've all gotten that email, ladies, about bringing your hammertoes out in public now that the weather is (blisteringly) hot. But there's more to it, and after a day in Dupont and Georgetown (yes, I'm the only idiot who spends Saturday in these two deserted, quiet parts of our city - expect for my friends M & M), I feel the need to address:
1. You are wearing the cutest little sundress. Totally trendy big white sunglasses on top of your head. Your hair is in the perkiest ponytail. You are carrying an adorable red straw handbag. I can hear strains of "Hot Child in the City" as you trot across Dupont Circle. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING BLACK FLIP-FLOPS?? Black flip flops - even if they're Puma and cost a thousand bucks - are for the gym and your apartment when no one else is around. This is how you differentiate between someone who has true style and someone who bought all of the above from the same page in Cosmo - you don't know how to finish the look. Uncomfortable wearing heels? Buy some cute flats or suck it up.
2. Speaking of trendy, summer trends - and all trends for that matter - come and go and boy, it's fun to shake up the ol' wardrobe with the latest hot item? WRONG. You have a body that you live in every day - in fact, I'd wager a guess you're inseparable. Why, then, do you think it's okay to cram yourself into a pair of knee-length capri pants, given your shape? I don't consider myself heavy, although I am curvy, and I don't wear these things, because I know I can't pull 'em off. Know thyself. First of all, if you want to emulate one of the Founding Fathers, try their signatures, not their pants. Ankle length? Perfect. Long shorts? Very Martha's Vineyard. I even see them creeping into office wear - in plaid, no less - and I want to break into songs from Newsies. Some women can pull them off. I see none of these women in 99% of my travels.
3. Same goes for a miniskirt - I don't need to know whether or not you wax. Why is this considered okay, to go out dressed in a headband? Especially because, again, chances are you did not just walk for Chanel and you have some fat on your thighs. Ooh, and maybe some cellulite, at which we have all now gotten a nice close look. What is wrong with an even slightly longer skirt - you won't have to worry about the wind blowing!
Everyone has flaws, and there are so many ways to minimize them - and unfortunately, even more ways to expose them. I'm always surprised in summer at the overexposure of flesh and the disappearance of any kind of restraint.
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