Goodbye to All That

...so I've been captivated, along with a number of other New Yorkers, by Julia Allison and Jakob Lodwick's self-obsessed relationship blog, and then Julia's blog, which includes numerous pictures of herself in various and sundry outfits that highlight her boobs. And if you read anything about Julia Allison, you have to read the many, many comments from her many, many detractors, mostly on Gawker, who resolutely despise everything from her vapid-ness to her career as a TV commentator on silly gossip issues to those oft-highlighted boobs. All for a good laugh.

But then Julia live-blogged on Gawker -- which I don't know was a brave move, as some hypothesized, as opposed to an insecure girl's twisted but understandable logic that "if they just get to know me, they'll like me!" and she was slayed from the moment Nick Denton announced she'd be on, before she even made an appearance. Then she goes on and makes some really idiotic comments about how people should hate her because of her "perfectly symmetrical breasts which I like to display in v-neck sweaters" and how thick-skinned she really is, and all is going as expected, and then she drops a bomb that Jakob has bi-polar and is off his meds, and they finally broke up because he was in the middle of an episode. And people went, frankly, apeshit. They accused her of everything of being a whore, being evil, being a golddigger, and so on and so forth, in mock horror that someone would "dare" expose something so personal, in a world where exposure is how you get the hits.

I'm not going to defend this girl - she's way over her head in blogger-dom, where one has to have nerves of steel, quick wit, and insights beyond "gosh, math is hard!" That is not to belittle her, although it may sound like that - the problem I see with Julia is that she wants it both ways. She wants to be a pretty, fluff commentator on Fox and CNN (witness the many photos and screen captures of herself on her blog) with an exciting life of tapings and parties and features in those silly socialite magazines -- then she wants to be a deep, thoughtful yet sassy blogger who is with it and knows it's all a joke (witness the comment about her boobs). And those worlds are like oil and water, or at least she hasn't found the formula so they mix. The online world, like it or not, is a lot of smarmy anonymous people who spend their days and nights in that world and have mastered it - you can't just flit in with no street cred. And Julia doesn't appear to fundamentally understand that. She is a pretty vapid 26 year old girl and it's sort of sad to watch her try to be someone she's not - she needs to appear on Fox and be pretty and have her actress girlfriends and soon, get married and get out of the rat race. I say this having considered what was I'm sure an excellent Georgetown education in political science - having read her work, etc, the real intelligence just isn't there. Fine, no harm, not everyone's going to be Clausewitz or Einstein.

That being said, the vitriol with which people swarmed all over her was somewhat frightening. Why hate this girl so much? And in hating her, they revealed exactly how much they knew about her - they'd read closely her silly relationship blog, they'd read her personal blog and probably steamed over the many pictures of her posted there. I don't think it was simply jealousy, which is what Julia and her friends say to each other to make themselves feel better. But there was a palpable bitterness - some idiot made a video and noted how she goes to fancy dinners with her rich parents - do we really believe this was just about this girl, or did that dumb guy have some issues of his own which led him to turn on his webcam and start ranting the most vile language at this girl? The problem is there's no easy answer - Julia makes note of her "fancy apartment building" but then notes she has the smallest apartment in it - again, wants Dear Reader to know she lives in a nice building but she still has street cred, it's really small! So she's kind of a pathetic person to be defending. But piling up on this girl? It says more about the piler than the girl, frankly. Yes, that's the world and it's always been so - some people have nice boobs and go to a good school because they got good grades rather than being truly intelligent; some people date Congressmen and get mentioned in the gossip pages and then catapault to Fox News - is this a revelation? She ain't the first, but she's one who tried to hang in the world of those who sit in front of their computers hating the world that allows those things to happen.

And further, I'm going out on a limb here and saying I don't agree with but can see why she sold Jakob out about his bi-polar. When you go back over their relationship (explicitly run down in their joint blog), it becomes clear that this It-Boy is a condescending prat - witness the post in which he is shocked - shocked!! that she has not seen Star Wars or heard Radiohead. He outwardly says "isn't that cute" but the guy is horrified. If ever there was a poster child for the emasculation of the American male, it's this guy - his nerdiness is his weapon, it's made him millions, and it's going to make him superior over the girl who's had everything handed to her and run through the world blissfully ignorant of the torment of Thom Yorke, fellow nerd. And if we take Julia at her word, he hooked up with her friend and has also been stringing her along with comments like "it won't get any better than me". Take that recipe, if you will - this pretty, vapid girl looking to establish her street cred and this dorky web guy who probably loves those boobs and plays on her insecurities in a desperate attempt to overcome his own. What a perfect mix. And she finally got wise and went for the nuclear option - classless, but that feeling when you finally wake up and realize that Svengali whose word you took above all because he seemed so smart on the things you wanted to be smart on is nothing but a prat whose own insecurities necessitate him saying he has to "educate" you on Star Wars is priceless -- and fills you with venom. So you bite. The problem is, most women scorned do it to girlfriends and the occasional unfortunate specimen who sidled up to the bar and asked if she was single - this dummy did it in a public forum with people who are vastly more sympathetic to Jakob's worldview than the one she gained at The Tombs.

But point is (in my very long post), it got me thinking. Why did I start this blog, and why do I continue it? I started because I wanted to record my travels and my thoughts. But I could've passworded it or kept it private -- but I didn't. I wanted it out there, in the world, where people could read my musings about life, the universe, and everything and maybe remark on how insightful I am. And you know what? If you're sitting in front of your computer all day, like these gawker commenters clearly were, I don't see how you or anyone else would be qualified to judge my statements as insightful or complete bullshit, and I see that it's the people I care about who I should be sharing these things. I thought about bloggers I liked and envied, like Dooce. When I was thinking about Jakob and Julia, I realized Dooce has made a deal with the devil - her whole family depends on her exposing their warts to millions of people who spend their days trolling blogs. Why not just go with prostitution, then? Or sell a kidney? Because, as Julia has shown us, you can't just show the cute pictures of yourself in front of a Christmas tree, you have to show the worst of the worst to get the hits on your site and make money - which Dooce does, extolling on her depression and hospitalization and her miscarriages. What is her child going to think when she's old enough and realizes that her every move has to be documented in order for her parents to pay the mortgage? And she's in junior high school and kids are reading about how she wet the bed until she was 10? Is life - the life outside, the life in which you truly interact with people and your statements have meaning because there is a face behind them who has to defend them - no longer worth it?

I love the blogging world, I love the ideas, I love the creativity, I love the discourse - but it doesn't seem real to me. I don't want to take photos of nature so I can post them on my blog, I want to sit in nature and not think of how it might sound in a posting. I don't want to take a normal conversation and spin it so it's funny and someone will read my blog and laugh. I've realized I'm not reaching out to anyone in the vein of "always connect", which I thought I was doing; rather I'm putting myself out there and saying "I think I'm worth your time - do you agree?" You should be asking who the hell am I to ask for that, just as I now say who the hell are you to say yes or no?

I keep thinking of that Ian Fleming quote, bastardized here for my purposes - "I shall not waste my days trying to blog them. I shall use my time." I'm going outside. I signed up for a ballet class. I'm teaching on Tuesdays. I'm going to always connect with the kids I tutor and the garbage guy and the bartender and my next door neighbor and my mother, who see my expressions and sense my emotions and understand my meaning when I say -- not blog -- something. Take the vitriol and judgement and use it on someone like Julia Allison, who will be ruined by it. I shall use my time.