RANT - A phenomenon I have recently noticed

...although I'm loath to put it out there as "hey, have you seen...?" because it usually turns out I have had my head jammed up my rear and haven't noticed something the rest of you have been laughing about for ages. So I'm slow and self-absorbed to boot. You're the idiot reading about it.

But I digress, and let me just apologize in advance because boy am I prickly tonight. I've noticed this strange phenomenon recently and I swear I never saw growing up or even in the past few years. So obviously I live in the big city, and one of its chief charms is the constant police and ambulance activity - it's like urban church bells. You're having dinner outside at St. Ex, or just walking down the street, and--hey, where's that siren coming from? Oh, it's over there, yup, there it goes - probably heading towards Howard or GW. No more than 30 seconds later, it is gone from our sights and our ears, continuing on its all-too-decent mission of serving, protecting, and saving lives. Everyone goes back to their entrees or their stroll down 14th, no harm no foul, right? Right??

Well, that's what's weird. Let's say for the sake of argument I've seen about 5 ambulances in the past 3 weeks - by no means out of the ordinary. What the hell is up with people sticking their fingers in their ears as though the ambulance is trying to dock directly in their external auditory meatus (see photo)?? When did we become a city of sissies who can't stand seconds - not minutes, seconds - of slightly-louder-than-average-city-din? I've started counting; I was just leaving Creme not 20 minutes ago and wouldn't you know, an ambulance rolls by, EMTs probably doing chest compressions on some poor old woman heading to Howard to be brought back to life, or maybe some cute little kid who needs a new liver. And I counted no less than five bratty annoying weenies I wanted to smack sticking their fingers in their ears and looking around like they just realized they stepped on a rat and it exploded in three pieces, like, oh my god the assault on my sensitive eardrums! It's an ambulance, people - do me a favor and grow a pair. And at that moment of looking around at the yuppie, toothless losers who have over-evolved to the point where they couldn't survive the common cold if they were in the medicine aisle at Rite Aid, I turned inward to my own personal Jesus and prayed and prayed that the one time one of these beings-bearing-no-resemblance-to-their-ape-ancestors-with-no-ability-to-cope-against-the-most-mundane-of-challenges needs an ambulance to get to Georgetown so they can get a brain or a pair transplant, the dedicated EMT looks out the window at all the other gutless wonders with fingers applied to ears and goes "wow, this siren appears to be hurting those sensitive souls out there! I'd better turn it off and just go with the traffic." And you get stuck behind a metro bus with 8 bikers needing to load their bikes on the front of the bus so they can get on. And they give the brain meant for you to a drunk homeless guy.

More things I hate

a. annoying guys at work who IM to "say hi". You open the IM screen, scroll down to my name, click on it, twiddle your fingers, and then you write "hi"? First of all, if we talked for more than five seconds I am on to you and I have told you I have a boyfriend. Second, even if I was single and desperate, I would still have to reject you on the basis of your completely assinine and pointless IM. What do you think, I'm at my desk filing my nails and checking my eyebrows for stray hairs waiting for you to say hi? Please, take these hiking boots and go get over yourself.

b. my LSAT class. Not only am I the oldest person in there by about 10 years, I find myself thinking crotchety-old-person thoughts like "well, Mr. Instructor, you may have gotten a 175 and we can all agree you're obviously some kind of idiot savant, but can you tuck in your shirt before you stand in front of us and lecture? What law firm do you think is going to hire you when you look like a truck driver?" And then I get embarrassed in case someone heard me thinking like your single aunt who hasn't left her house in 10 years and watches a lot of "The People's Court".

c. "This is Why I'm Hot". Full disclosure, Bub loves this song, mostly because it mentions Wash Heights, which is going to be his home for the better part of the next decade. It makes my skin crawl (the song, not Wash Heights). "I'm hot cause I'm fly, you ain't cause you not" - what kind of causal relationship are you trying to get at here? I'm not following your logic and that's without even noting your piss-poor grammar.

d. There is someone on American Idol with weird hair and this is evidently a problem for a lot of people. I am furious that I even know this much.

e. I hear Amy Winehouse in far too many places, including my ipod. I cannot stay away. Let me free, O Russet Witch...

Things I would stab with a dull knife if they ever assumed human form

Re-reading some of my posts, I'm getting the feeling that a casual viewer would assume I keep fresh flowers in my hair, bubble over with good will towards every living creature (except Hawaiians), and say things like, "well, I'm sure he has some positive qualities!" after he robbed a convenience store and hit on your mother. I'd like to take the opportunity to disabuse you of this notion. Here's a running list of things I would stab repeatedly with the assurance that no jury would ever convict me:

q. "To the left, to the left...to the left, to the left" - this Beyonce song has me spinning in circles every time I hear it. We get it, B - he sucks, you packed up his crap, someone else is on the way. Several questions - why on earth did you buy this creep a car and all that bling, and for that matter why has no one pointed out that your songs repeatedly document rampant spending on men who do you wrong? So maybe you get it back in the end when you kick his cheating bum to the curb - what's the resale value on that car now, huh? And the new guy who'll "be here in a minute" - has he been vetted at all? Why not spend some of that money on a therapist to find out why you are continually drawn to this behavioral type?

h. Use of the term "guac" to describe guacamole. It's guacamole, jerk. This offense is most frequently perped by West coasters (sorry, Bub), usually when discussing their "guac"-making skills.

g. Ryan Seacrest. Someone please explain why this man has a job, much less one that nets him this much cash.

x. The exclamation, upon hearing I have celiac disease, "Wow - no wheat, no bread - sounds like a great diet! Almost like Atkins!" Yes, it's almost like Atkins, except if more than a teaspoon of gluten (which is in soy sauce, most spices, and has this nasty tendency to linger on bowls, pans, and cooking surfaces) sneaks into my food, I end up cowering in the bathroom requesting my stomach be removed, it's okay, I'm sure I'll love wheeling an IV.

p. The notion that, because I work for the government, I'm not allowed to complain if people are inefficient, stupid, or trying to read my emails over my shoulder. Yes, I know government is a breeding ground for sloth, but I refuse to believe that your private-sector companies are bastions of hard-working, mature, privacy-worshipping, creative, or even interesting souls. It's not the government that breeds this, it's humanity. Nice try.

d. Emoticons. Particularly when used by otherwise masculine men. It does not mean you're in touch with your emotions, it means you use annoying smiley faces because you cannot accurately convey your sentiments with words. For the record, Bub never uses emoticons.

This list is ongoing.