Things I would stab with a dull knife if they ever assumed human form

Re-reading some of my posts, I'm getting the feeling that a casual viewer would assume I keep fresh flowers in my hair, bubble over with good will towards every living creature (except Hawaiians), and say things like, "well, I'm sure he has some positive qualities!" after he robbed a convenience store and hit on your mother. I'd like to take the opportunity to disabuse you of this notion. Here's a running list of things I would stab repeatedly with the assurance that no jury would ever convict me:

q. "To the left, to the left...to the left, to the left" - this Beyonce song has me spinning in circles every time I hear it. We get it, B - he sucks, you packed up his crap, someone else is on the way. Several questions - why on earth did you buy this creep a car and all that bling, and for that matter why has no one pointed out that your songs repeatedly document rampant spending on men who do you wrong? So maybe you get it back in the end when you kick his cheating bum to the curb - what's the resale value on that car now, huh? And the new guy who'll "be here in a minute" - has he been vetted at all? Why not spend some of that money on a therapist to find out why you are continually drawn to this behavioral type?

h. Use of the term "guac" to describe guacamole. It's guacamole, jerk. This offense is most frequently perped by West coasters (sorry, Bub), usually when discussing their "guac"-making skills.

g. Ryan Seacrest. Someone please explain why this man has a job, much less one that nets him this much cash.

x. The exclamation, upon hearing I have celiac disease, "Wow - no wheat, no bread - sounds like a great diet! Almost like Atkins!" Yes, it's almost like Atkins, except if more than a teaspoon of gluten (which is in soy sauce, most spices, and has this nasty tendency to linger on bowls, pans, and cooking surfaces) sneaks into my food, I end up cowering in the bathroom requesting my stomach be removed, it's okay, I'm sure I'll love wheeling an IV.

p. The notion that, because I work for the government, I'm not allowed to complain if people are inefficient, stupid, or trying to read my emails over my shoulder. Yes, I know government is a breeding ground for sloth, but I refuse to believe that your private-sector companies are bastions of hard-working, mature, privacy-worshipping, creative, or even interesting souls. It's not the government that breeds this, it's humanity. Nice try.

d. Emoticons. Particularly when used by otherwise masculine men. It does not mean you're in touch with your emotions, it means you use annoying smiley faces because you cannot accurately convey your sentiments with words. For the record, Bub never uses emoticons.

This list is ongoing.